It's been a while since I, Chubby Tuffin, have updated you guys on The Cow. Many apologies for the long wait.

      I assure you, her love for eating continues, and continue to eat she does. There have been many amazing quotes since the last time I wrote (how could there not be when a compulsive ice cream eater is involved?). Unfortunately, however, I cannot remember all of them. Fortunately, I thought to write a couple of them down (see bottom of post).

If you can't beat her, join her. (Sometimes the only way to The Cow's heart is eating with her).

      By way of recent Cow news, she's started running so that she can eat more without becoming . . . blubberous. And she discourages her cousin and hypocritically tells him regularly about his need to do sit-ups. (The Cow should follow her own advice in addition to her running). Also, she has started eating carrots excessively in addition to her daily doses of ice cream in order to get The Mothership to stop hassling her about unhealthy daily eating (gorging) habits.

      She has also discovered that some of her friends are true "bovine buddies," which gives her heart joy and fills her spirit with eating ambition. Apparently she is encouraged by other cowish humans.

The Cow Quotes:

(When talking about ice cream): "What's with all these variations? I just want chocolate! . . . if I ever get put on life support, just put chocolate ice cream in my feeding tube!"

Also

The Mothership: ". . . Speaking of figments...who ate all the Fig Nutons?"
The Cow: "Mom needs to keep her nose out of our business. That's what I say!"
The Mothership: "Who ate all the cookies?!"
The Cow:"I don't really consider them a cookie . . . they're more of a health snack . . ." 


Also

"I think I'm addicted to gummy worms . . ."

Bad Influence -or- Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Recently The Cow has acquired her driver's license. 

"What does this mean for the general public and its safety and wellbeing," one may ask?

       Well, although she may give the appearance of responsibility (maybe?), The Cow has a very spotty past when it comes to the area of responsible driving.

       Before we get into things too far you need to meet "Porky," also known by The Cow as "Pork Chop," "Porker," "Porkinator," and a few other names that shouldn't be mentioned online in order to protect at least a speck of Porky's privacy, self-esteem, and reputation.

Porky is a sweet 12 year old girl whom The Cow persistently harasses and degrades. Think about the name that The Cow has dubbed her: "Porky"? Really? I think you can figure out from that how mistreated this poor child is by The Cow.

Porky is artistic and talented. Her hobbies consist of drawing, playing piano, riding horses, singing, and being slightly weird and exotic. 

Sometimes The Cow and Porky are great friends and enjoy sharing time together over milk and cookies, or chocolate ice cream and a movie. I do not understand their relationship, really--all I know is that it's an abusive one.

The problem with The Cow and Porky being such buddies (besides lowering Porky's already low self-esteem), however, is that The Cow is not always a good influence or safe person to be around--especially for young children.

And this is where the history of The Cow's driving comes into the picture. 

Stay tuned for the upcoming entry: "Driver's Ed . . . "




Recent Ridiculousness:

The Cow: "Kiwis? I had a dream about kiwis!"
The Mothership: "Oh, really? What was it about?"
The Cow: "I don't know . . . but I ate them, and then I had a dream that I went to Starbucks and got an Iced Late, and it was like $19.95, and I was really mad."

Straight From The Cow's Mouth

The Cow: "If I have to have an entire blog about my eating, we're going to have to have some good food around here . . . I want chocolate moose tracks."

And

Me (Chubby Tuffin): "How many [cookies] are you having?"

The Cow: "I'm not telling you! You're just gonna write it down."

And

The Cow: "I don't really analyze personalities . . . except: 'obnoxious,' 'okay,' and 'I really like you.'"

(No, it's not food related . . .)

Meet the Minions (But Don't "Meat" The Cow)

       In order to maintain her excellent self-confidence, The Cow needs followers . . . henchmen, toadies, stooges, subordinates, lackeys . . . minions. In other words, people who will support her compulsive eating habits and even join her in the festivities.

The Cow has three little lackeys whom we will refer to as "Minion M," "Minion L," and "Minion C."

Let me introduce Minion M--the oldest, and possibly most devoted toady

Minion M is a very friendly and sociable little 12 year old stooge. He enjoys deep thinking, adventures, building things, learning new things, eating, and talking (especially about food).

Minion M and The Cow are great buddies, and enjoy long conversations about food, their obsessions with food, what happens when they don't get enough food, and what their favorite foods are. They enjoy working together because their interests are so similar. When they have free time, they enjoy consuming food together.

Recent quotes worth committing to memory?

Minion M: "I need to be a hobbit, so I can have 'second dinner.'"

The Cow: "Yeah . . . when I stay up too late I have to eat again."

Minion M: "When I don't eat for a while I get really tired--eating is like caffeine to me."

And

Minion M: "Lasagna is my favorite food, because it gets left out and I can keep eating it."

Introducing "The Cow"

This is The Cow.

       The Cow (also known to some as "Big Red") is a 16 year old whose hobbies consist of eating and . . . eating more.

       Observers of The Cow may find it hard to believe that she is able to choose a favorite food, but it is, in fact, chocolate ice cream. The Cow could (and would) eat chocolate ice cream without end until the completion of her life if she had an endless supply--but instead must be patient between grocery shopping trips and find other sugary foods to consume.

       Today The Mothership and I (Chubby Tuffin) confronted The Cow about eating 4 packages of rice pudding for lunch. She saw no problem with it, and then suggested that she could triple task by mowing the field, studying for "horse bowl," and eating more rice pudding all at the same time (The Cow is also an irresponsible driver--which we will address in further detail in another post). 

       The Cow tried to argue the benefits of buying herself rice pudding by telling The Mothership that she should be grateful because The Cow had her debit card and "could have bought a five-star meal instead."

The Cow's interesting quotes of the day?

The Cow: "I'm very active: I thought about running once..."

The Mothership: "To the fridge?"

Also:

The Cow: "Unless you monitor the kitchen 24/7, you won't be able to keep track of what I eat."