the cow cameo

We have a special treat for you faithful followers today...yes, you've guessed it! The one, the only, the great, beautiful, lovely cow is here to do an entery of her own!!!! so please welcome her as she writes her very first blog entry ever.

Hello, hello, hello!

Thank you for reading! Now, since I have been given this wonderful opportunity to be heard, I would like to set a few records straight. But first, I would like to begin with a blerpt about my faithful secretary of all things food(and more),the lovely Chubby Tuffin

I’d like to tell you about her eating habits, though they are generally quite boring. The little Tuffin tends to stick to a usual diet of vegetables, fishes, fruits, water...healthy crap. Her stomach has this odd talent of remaining strangely full, her taste buds are repelled by bacon, and she rarely eats nutella or ice cream. But do not be lulled to sleep by this, for she has her splurges, her carb cravings and yes, an occasional sweet tooth. Though I have difficulty believing it at times, she is human and I truly believe she will one day love bacon like the rest of us.

Well, followies, it's that time: truth time. My real purpose in consenting to this out of character appearance is to set you straight on a few misconstrued and misrepresented bits of my life. Though im sure there are many more, I plan to only touch on 3.

#1 Porky: this dear, fellow future meat of mine is one of my best friends. Word on the street is that I abuse, confuse, and use this little creature. Yes, I admit I do tease, but what is life with out a little friendly verbal (and occasionally physical) jousting? I'm simply preparing her for the real world. I do encourage her to eat heartily, for she needs strength for the battle of life. I have, as some may have heard, taught this beautiful creature to drive. Drivers ed at the age of 5 is perfectly acceptable in the fields of Wisconsin and I must say, I believe her ready to take on the road of life thanks to me.

#2 the minions: this is simple and straightforward- I get blamed for these kids eating everything when in fact they are themselves ...eating. They love food. They love it all on their own. So they find my food conversations engaging? Heck yeah! Who wouldn't? We partake in frequent snacks together? FAMILY BONDING, people. I cannot be blamed for their weight, and I cannot be blamed for their love. I only see our time together as a chance to grow...closer together.

And the one we've all been waiting for(for years)

#3 drivers ed: now I know that Chubby hasn't gotten to this yet in her blogging, but I thought I’d take the chance while I had it. Whatever she says, it probably is not true. Pushing said child out of moving vehicle? no. bailing my self? no. I would also like to ad a few details that she will not have (seeing as she was not part of it) my first statement would be that the grass was surprisingly soft. Second, that to an 8yr old it was a good idea ...till I saw the look on mom and dad's faces. Thirdly, Porky loved it, I just don't get why she told on me..........

now that I’ve given you all a little truth I can sleep well tonight. Also, if you would please leave a comment and ask Naomi about the time she decided we should take Cait over the bumps of horror. That was completely her fault. You can also ask about singing at subway.

Pop Culture and The Cow

With pop culture being the way that it is, in this day it is nearly impossible not to be reminded of our dear and lovable yet entirely piggish Cow daily. 

From facebook posts and groups about bacon obsession:

             



       





  To advertisements about food:

To youtube channels dedicated to eating mountainous meals:

Similar to the Old Testament Jews, modern Americans practically worship the image of the Cow.

Cooking With The Cow

HOW TO:

Make Cow Pasta

1.5 Cups White Angel Hair Noodles

.5 Cups Cheese Sauce

But, most importantly . . . 

5 Strips of Crunchy Bacon

(if only ice cream would not melt when added to such a concoction, then perhaps The Cow could be infinitely happy)

Just days previous: "I just really need some lunch meet. Seriously; We're out of bacon."

Oh La Vache!

     I've been receiving many complaints about the general lack of posts about The Cow recently. And while I have had fairly decent reasons for the absence, I have heard your cry! I am here to feed your appetite, my friends.

     The Cow has been forced recently to moderate its eating and actually control itself to some extent, making it slightly more difficult to report on its gluttonous behavior.

     However, "cows will be cows." And despite the doctor's warning, it continues to gorge.

     Oh Cow, when will you learn?

Menue for today (it's only been awake for 5 hours):

•Shredded Wheat

•Chicken Al La King

•Tangerine

•Ice Cream

•Chai

•Chocolate

•And More Chicken Al La King

". . . for now. . . I've been distracted."

     She is searching the cabinets and refrigerator ravenously as I type, with a mouth full of chocolate, desperately seeking her next meal.


     In further news, Frech class today enlightened me that the french word for "cow" is vache. Elle Vache sounds more sophisticated than The Cow, I suppose.

(Warning: this post contains graphic and disturbing images)

      I was pondering the idea of a horrifying act this evening and decided to look it up in my handy little MacBook dictionary. The first definition applied to humans--it said: "A person who eats the flesh of other human beings." This--cannibalism--is a terrible, disgusting thing. A very wise man once said that "cannibalism is, in fact, frowned upon in most societies" (Willy Wonka). What truth!

But we must always remember that cannibalism is alive and well in today's world and it is something that we must take seriously.

Now, for The Cow cannibalism is very similar, just minus the human aspect. By definition it is "an animal that feeds on the flesh of its own species" (New Oxford American Dictionary).

The Cow ate steak for dinner tonight.

      It's been a while since I, Chubby Tuffin, have updated you guys on The Cow. Many apologies for the long wait.

      I assure you, her love for eating continues, and continue to eat she does. There have been many amazing quotes since the last time I wrote (how could there not be when a compulsive ice cream eater is involved?). Unfortunately, however, I cannot remember all of them. Fortunately, I thought to write a couple of them down (see bottom of post).

If you can't beat her, join her. (Sometimes the only way to The Cow's heart is eating with her).

      By way of recent Cow news, she's started running so that she can eat more without becoming . . . blubberous. And she discourages her cousin and hypocritically tells him regularly about his need to do sit-ups. (The Cow should follow her own advice in addition to her running). Also, she has started eating carrots excessively in addition to her daily doses of ice cream in order to get The Mothership to stop hassling her about unhealthy daily eating (gorging) habits.

      She has also discovered that some of her friends are true "bovine buddies," which gives her heart joy and fills her spirit with eating ambition. Apparently she is encouraged by other cowish humans.

The Cow Quotes:

(When talking about ice cream): "What's with all these variations? I just want chocolate! . . . if I ever get put on life support, just put chocolate ice cream in my feeding tube!"

Also

The Mothership: ". . . Speaking of figments...who ate all the Fig Nutons?"
The Cow: "Mom needs to keep her nose out of our business. That's what I say!"
The Mothership: "Who ate all the cookies?!"
The Cow:"I don't really consider them a cookie . . . they're more of a health snack . . ." 


Also

"I think I'm addicted to gummy worms . . ."

Bad Influence -or- Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Recently The Cow has acquired her driver's license. 

"What does this mean for the general public and its safety and wellbeing," one may ask?

       Well, although she may give the appearance of responsibility (maybe?), The Cow has a very spotty past when it comes to the area of responsible driving.

       Before we get into things too far you need to meet "Porky," also known by The Cow as "Pork Chop," "Porker," "Porkinator," and a few other names that shouldn't be mentioned online in order to protect at least a speck of Porky's privacy, self-esteem, and reputation.

Porky is a sweet 12 year old girl whom The Cow persistently harasses and degrades. Think about the name that The Cow has dubbed her: "Porky"? Really? I think you can figure out from that how mistreated this poor child is by The Cow.

Porky is artistic and talented. Her hobbies consist of drawing, playing piano, riding horses, singing, and being slightly weird and exotic. 

Sometimes The Cow and Porky are great friends and enjoy sharing time together over milk and cookies, or chocolate ice cream and a movie. I do not understand their relationship, really--all I know is that it's an abusive one.

The problem with The Cow and Porky being such buddies (besides lowering Porky's already low self-esteem), however, is that The Cow is not always a good influence or safe person to be around--especially for young children.

And this is where the history of The Cow's driving comes into the picture. 

Stay tuned for the upcoming entry: "Driver's Ed . . . "




Recent Ridiculousness:

The Cow: "Kiwis? I had a dream about kiwis!"
The Mothership: "Oh, really? What was it about?"
The Cow: "I don't know . . . but I ate them, and then I had a dream that I went to Starbucks and got an Iced Late, and it was like $19.95, and I was really mad."